the call.

so a part of this whole cancer-regular-trip-to-the-mayo thing is the phone call that comes after they meet with the doctor. let me back up and set the stage:

about 10 minutes prior to the scheduled appointment time my stomach starts to flip. then the racing heart begins. as the minutes pass and appointment time has come (in this case, 4pm) a fuzzy cloudy feeling sets into my head and i can no longer think straight - or concentrate. i usually spend the next hour - or the duration of the appointment - passing time surfing the Internet or refreshing my hotmail account. an hour passes and i know the phone call will follow within minutes.

the phone rings. i have become so accustomed to bad news, that i now let it roll directly to voicemail. this is my way of letting verizon take the initial blow. i watch my phone. first, missed call. second, new voicemail. i take a deep breath and press/hold "1." i enter my password and let it happen...

today's news was... the doctors don't know what is wrong with her, but it's clearly something. "they" - the people we have grown to trust in some deranged way for the last 5 years - inform us that they want to consult with another doctor and see if they can get some insight. believe it or not - this is good news. at least the tumors have not grown.

the next step in the "process" is for me to call them back. i take another deep breath, trying to suppress the devastated and defeated feelings as i hit the "talk" key. mom answers the phone and puts on her game face. that's what we fischers do... everything is a game face. she repeats the message that was left on my phone and we say - good to hear. good job. have a good night.

i hang up my cell phone and start to cry. this continues for another hour or so - i don't think i am sad anymore. i have exhausted that emotion. now i am simply numb. i have been on this roller coaster for 5 years and it is draining. there is not a single hour that passes where i don't think about it. this is even true in my sleep.

but that isn't all. tonight included extra credit. my sister called me to provide some additional insight into the "journey." mom is worried about me. dad thinks things are getting much worse. first, why don't they ask me how i am? direct communicate is not a strong virtue of any fischer other than myself - and i tend to overcompensate. ask brian. second, if my dad acknowledges that something is wrong - something is majorly wrong. the truth is, they don't ask because they don't want to know that things are not perfect. it is easier to turn the other cheek then to face what we are really going through. did i mention kristin has MS and is completely exhausted this week - she needs some emotional support too.

so, another appointment passes. but don't worry - this process happens each month. countdown begins to the next one...