the return to tommieland.

Last night marked the first class of my Masters career. I must admit, I was somewhat nervous. I worked from home because it was too damn cold to go outside. I tend to be a baby with things like that... but seriously. It was NEGATIVE 14 with a NEGATIVE 40 windchill! Moving on...

It was an extremely busy work day, which is somewhat rare for me. The clock struck 4:30 and I decided to trade my fleece pants and sweatshirt for a slightly nicer looking outfit. Afterall, if there is one thing I remember about St. Thomas it's - Don't show up in your pajamas. You will be shunned.

Now, class didn't start until 6, but I am always early and didn't want this to be an exception. I was SO glad that I left when I did! Traffic was horrendous! (Nice word.) It took me 40 minutes to get downtown alone! Of course, when I am nervous and driving I tend to make really stupid driving decisions. For example. instead of taking the interstate, I exited on University with the intention of cutting through the U of M. BAD idea. It was also the start of their semester (duh) and University/4th was all backed up. Super.

I finally made my way downtown and after taking two wrong turns - Found UST. This is also somewhat funny because I know downtown like the back of my hand, so for me to get lost is ridiculous. Again, moving on...

The ramp that I was banking on parking in was full. Thank you to Lindsay for calling me with a hot tip on an open lot right across the street. LOVE her. So, we parked our cars and headed into good ol'St. Thomas for my Grad School debut.

After a quick stop in the cafeteria, I made my way to Room 442 (aka "Fox Room") I pulled out my pretty new five star and waited for class to begin. There were 10 people in my class - All women. The professor "taught" us the full 3 hours which rumor has it - is unheard of for the first night. Lucky me, right?! The clock struck 9 and she revealed our homework assignments for next week. Is it bizarre that I am excited to have homework?

All in all, last night was a success. Better yet, I am looking forward to next week!

a 'blissful' saturday night.

pictures speak volumes

things you didn't know about me. or maybe you did.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Dad's cousin, Jill Anthone.
2. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A day or two ago. Growing up is tough, man!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Probably turkey or chicken, I don't eat much of it tho.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not yet - But I have 2 plants that I am very fond of - Fern and Spike
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I suppose so... What kinda of question is that?!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Absolutely
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope - We parted ways when I was 22. OUCH!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP ? Not likely. I HATE heights!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kashi anything
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Most of my shoes don't have laces? And no, no velcro either.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with chocolate.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes and mouth to determine whether or not they are happy.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? How hard I am on myself
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandpa
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Brownish and Red/Burgundy
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Sweet peppers and hummus
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My assistant typing
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Random Red or Bold Blue
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? The ocean, fresh baked cookies, Yankee Candle Co. Pomegranate Candle
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Boss Lady
25.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, Hockey
27. HAIR COLOR? Brownish
28. EYE COLOR? Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yup
28. FAVORITE FOOD? I love food - so that is tough. Artichokes or Cheese Fondue (indulgences for me.!)
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 27 Dresses (very cute)
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweater - It's freakin cold here!
32. WINTER OR SUMMER? Summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends who I'm huggin... kissin...
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Frozen Yogurt or Chocolate-anything
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Molly (I was right, btw)
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Brian
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Pillars of the Earth (and next week, my school books!)
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Brian and I underwater in Bora Bora (thanks, Dawn!)
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? American Idol, The Holiday (DVD)
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Ocean waves or thunderstorm
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles!
44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? South Pacific
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Probably... 46.. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Paul, Minnesota
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone's

my hell is cold.

most people think of HELL as a burning inferno. Somewhere hot. full of boiling lava. steam. smoke.

My HELL is cold. Filled with ice. freezing windchills. subzero weather. Kinda a lot like Minnesota in the winter.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... but no worries... It's going to 'heat up' to 26 this weekend! Balmy.

the call.

so a part of this whole cancer-regular-trip-to-the-mayo thing is the phone call that comes after they meet with the doctor. let me back up and set the stage:

about 10 minutes prior to the scheduled appointment time my stomach starts to flip. then the racing heart begins. as the minutes pass and appointment time has come (in this case, 4pm) a fuzzy cloudy feeling sets into my head and i can no longer think straight - or concentrate. i usually spend the next hour - or the duration of the appointment - passing time surfing the Internet or refreshing my hotmail account. an hour passes and i know the phone call will follow within minutes.

the phone rings. i have become so accustomed to bad news, that i now let it roll directly to voicemail. this is my way of letting verizon take the initial blow. i watch my phone. first, missed call. second, new voicemail. i take a deep breath and press/hold "1." i enter my password and let it happen...

today's news was... the doctors don't know what is wrong with her, but it's clearly something. "they" - the people we have grown to trust in some deranged way for the last 5 years - inform us that they want to consult with another doctor and see if they can get some insight. believe it or not - this is good news. at least the tumors have not grown.

the next step in the "process" is for me to call them back. i take another deep breath, trying to suppress the devastated and defeated feelings as i hit the "talk" key. mom answers the phone and puts on her game face. that's what we fischers do... everything is a game face. she repeats the message that was left on my phone and we say - good to hear. good job. have a good night.

i hang up my cell phone and start to cry. this continues for another hour or so - i don't think i am sad anymore. i have exhausted that emotion. now i am simply numb. i have been on this roller coaster for 5 years and it is draining. there is not a single hour that passes where i don't think about it. this is even true in my sleep.

but that isn't all. tonight included extra credit. my sister called me to provide some additional insight into the "journey." mom is worried about me. dad thinks things are getting much worse. first, why don't they ask me how i am? direct communicate is not a strong virtue of any fischer other than myself - and i tend to overcompensate. ask brian. second, if my dad acknowledges that something is wrong - something is majorly wrong. the truth is, they don't ask because they don't want to know that things are not perfect. it is easier to turn the other cheek then to face what we are really going through. did i mention kristin has MS and is completely exhausted this week - she needs some emotional support too.

so, another appointment passes. but don't worry - this process happens each month. countdown begins to the next one...

dark and twisty.

I'm not feeling particularly funny today. Rather, I am actually quite dark and twisty. That expression was used once by Meredith on Grey's Anatomy. It is such an encompasing expression as to how I feel many days. Dark and twisty.

So what's behind the dark persona du jour?

• Mom is en route to Mayo to learn the latest on her cancer.
• Dad has shingles - Who gets that anymore?!
• I know of 3 people who have died or are critically ill.
• I am bored at work.
• My back still aches from Tiger Woods '08.
• It's cold and dreary here.

I could probably come up with a longer list - but I don't think I want to expound the energy in doing so. This does however go down as one of the lamer posts I have ever written. Happy Thursday.

my windex.

a grande-sugar-free-vanilla-soy-latte from starbucks can fix anything.

It's All Happening...

Last night marked the beginning of what is going to be a long and expensive endeavor. I left work around 4:15pm to make my way over to St. Thomas for orientation into my Masters program. I was proud of my journey there. I promptly made it to 11th and Harmon without getting stuck in the one-way/light rail traps of Minneapolis. Pulling into the ramp, there was a parking spot waiting for me right by the skyway entrance. I was on a roll! I noticed a lady with a backpack getting out of the car next to me and took that as a sign to hightail it out of MY car so that I could discretely follow her through the skyway to the building orientation was being held at. Oh, the tricks we learn as we get older.

"We" successfully made it to Terrance Murphy Hall. I had about 30 minutes before I needed to be in the meeting room, so I stopped at the bookstore to checkout the textbooks for my first graduate course - Business Writing. Two small, paperback books. Not intimidating at all! I brought them up to the counter and handed them to the worker bee so I could pay for them. She rang them up and said, "$68.11." What?! Excuse me?! One of my books was $49! It's a paperback! It's a thin little book! Then I remembered... the life of an academic!

With 15 minutes left until orientation began, I parked it on a bench and started reading one of my books. FASCINATING stuff in there - how to write effectively, analyze your audience, communicate clearly... As I hit page 5 I had a revelation... A moment of CLARITY if you will. I was FINALLY headed in a DIRECTION with my LIFE! I got so excited! Realizing, my tune may change a bit once the class actually begins and I am drowing in reading, papers and exams... I packed up my books and headed upstairs to Room 203.

Walking into that meeting room was (as cliche as it sounds) like going home. There is something about St. Thomas that is so comfortable. Perhaps it was the "growing up" that happened there during my undergrad program. As much fun as we have teasing the reputations of our alma mater, I found myself proud to once again be a "Tommie."

The next two hours flew by. After a light supper, several members of faculty and administration spoke to us, giving us a heads-up of what was in store. Some people looked a little concerned. Perhaps I did as well - but that was not what I was feeling inside. For the first time in a long time, I was so excited! I knew that I had made the right decision.

So... January 30, 2008 I will officially begin my Masters program at St. Thomas. I won't declare an end date... baby steps...

Jill's Favorite Things

It's like an Oprah episode...

* The beach/ocean/sand
* Traveling to new cities
* Grey Goose Martinis, Straight-up/Very dirty
* Hot showers
* Chick flicks
* Us Weekly
* My ipod/itunes
* Naps
* Stemless wine glasses
* Space heaters
* New socks
* Email
* Rain storms
* Barnes and Noble
* Green tea
* Soccer
* Olives
* My blue blanket
* Hot stone massages
* Sun tans
* Lifetime Movies
* The feeling you have after a long workout

Stay tuned for part 2....

Dealing with the cards that we are dealt.

I have spend significant time and resources on self help books (most that end up on the bookshelf before the information seeps into my brain,) therapy, retail therapy, coffee, alcohol, you name it - in an attempt to find clarity - Direction. Understanding that it is fairly common for someone in their mid-20's to be confused with the direction there life has been... Where it is... and Where it is going. Some call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." I call it a classic inability to deal with the cards I have been dealt.

Let's go back to Junior year of my undergrad. The first semester was great. I had settled into a new apartment with a good friend - We were living the American dream. A fairly healthy combination of studies and parties. Then winter rolls around and I am faced with a situation I never in a million years thought would enter my "perfect" little family. Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, in this "day and age" I have yet to meet someone whose life has NOT been affected by cancer in one way or another. So I suppose in that regard, my story is no different. The difference comes (perhaps) that I am nearly 5 years into this hellish battle and am only for the first time really addressing the side effects it has had on me and my personal development.

I do not intend on this entire blog to be directed towards my "sad story dealing with my mom's disease." It is important for me to note however, as it has shaped me and up until about a month ago - directed every decision, action, thought, lifestyle choice etc. that I have made over the past 5 years. I finally have come to the realization that I made my mom's disease my life.

Having made this revelation leaves me in a fascinating place. I do not regret the hard partying nights - frequent "weekend trips" to get away from my life for a "little while " - change in relationships (romantic and otherwise) - change in jobs - etc. I DO resent that I am nearing 27 and have no idea who I am unless I identify it with my mom's disease.

The point of this post is to let you know that there is a reason why I am the way I am. For better or worse, this is who I have evolved into. I want to make 2008 a better year. One that allows me to break free from my old patterns of thought and moves me into a new direction. Please bare with some of these posts. They may seem vague. Make no sense to you but they are all important to me. This is the most open you will ever find me so watch out. I don't exactly know what that means - but I have a feeling it means something big.

thank you, molly...

for introducing me to blogger. i now have someone, ahem... someTHING that has to listen to me no matter what. this is brilliant.