at the center of your being you have the answer;
you know who you are and you know what you want.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
soundtrack of my life.
If I were to create a soundtrack of my life, I think it would go something like this...
(This is only volume 1. stay tuned for future tracks...)
(This is only volume 1. stay tuned for future tracks...)
- Could it be any Harder?, The Calling
- Who's Got My Back?, Creed
- Have You Seen Me Lately?, Counting Crows
- Don't Stop Dancing, Creed
- Free Life, Dan Wilson
- Falls Apart Again, Brandi Carlile
- Gravity, Sara Bareilles
- Holiday, Boys Like Girls
- The Long Way Around, Dixie Chicks
- It's My Life, Bon Jovi
- No One, Alicia Keys
- Forever, Chris Brown
- Orange Sky, Alexi Murdoch
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
higher. faster. farther.
higher. faster. farther.if i were a bird i would fly high into the sky.
i would touch the clouds and stop just before reaching the heavens.
i would swoop down to the ocean and stop before plunging into the great waters.
higher. faster. farther.
if i were a bird i would soar effortlessly through the sky.
i would feel the wind in my face.
i would fly as fast as possible, knowing no limits.
higher. faster. farther.
if i were a bird i would fly to a far away land.
i would fly to the place where judgement didn't exist.
i would fly to the place where freedom was respected.
where boundaries were unknown.
if i were a bird i would fly higher. faster. farther.
i would know no limits and i would soar.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
rage and entitlement.
rage.
sometimes at night i sit alone and think about my life.
i wonder why i was dealt the cards i was dealt.
i wonder why at twenty-seven, i feel as weathered as the oldest woman to have ever walked this earth.
although i have been through (what i would define) as hell and back, i just keep walking.
i refuse to succumb to the tired.
i refuse to be ordinary.
god help me if i ever become ordinary.
for the past six years, i have allowed myself to be a victim.
reading pages from my journals, i am reminded of the torment i subjected myself to:
sometimes at night i sit alone and think about my life.
i wonder why i was dealt the cards i was dealt.
i wonder why at twenty-seven, i feel as weathered as the oldest woman to have ever walked this earth.
although i have been through (what i would define) as hell and back, i just keep walking.
i refuse to succumb to the tired.
i refuse to be ordinary.
god help me if i ever become ordinary.
for the past six years, i have allowed myself to be a victim.
reading pages from my journals, i am reminded of the torment i subjected myself to:
- why do we love, it only leads to hurt...
- she cries, i stay strong. she is supposed to be strong, i'm supposed to cry...
- i am reaching out to you, oh please dont let me fall...
- wandering heart, where have you taken her...
- watching as you unfold the complicated girl that few people know and even less who try to understand...
- i'd like to get away from earth for awhile and then come back to it and begin over... rf
- i would have given you my all ~ patience and understanding was all i wanted...
- i am scared. i am alone.
- they say death is a stage of life. i say it is a stage of fear.
- i don't want to sleep because i don't want this feeling to go away...
- i love getting lost in my thoughts...
- tomorrow i am going to try and just - live.
- i am not ready to let go...
of course, not everything in the past six years has been dramatic.
in fact, i have done many amazing things.
but tonight, rage sits on the surface.
rage over shadows the other stuff.
rage is raw.
entitlement.
once you define rage, it is easy to identify entitlement.
simply. it's my turn.
it's my time to soar.
i have earned this.
it's time to live my life.
to hell with anyone who stands in my way.
i may be impulsive.
i may be unreasonable.
i may be erratic.
but hell, i've earned it.
it is finally my turn to suppress rage and embrace entitlement.
Friday, June 27, 2008
an aquarian's freedom.
walking barefoot, sand sneaks between her toes
water brushes against them and sends shivers up her legs
the sun beats down as birds fly overhead
she hears the waves
she smells the salt
she feels the sun
she tastes the freedom
lost in the chaos of her make believe world
she sits and contemplates the day
wondering how she got here
who she is and
where she's going
evening air turns chill and the night sky begins to descend
she stands on the deserted beach as the moon and stars light the sky
looking ahead at the massive body in front of her, she begins to walk
she hears the waves
she smells the salt
she feels the cold water
she continues to walk, closing her eyes as the ocean becomes her bed
she has found peace
the aquarian has found freedom.
water brushes against them and sends shivers up her legs
the sun beats down as birds fly overhead
she hears the waves
she smells the salt
she feels the sun
she tastes the freedom
lost in the chaos of her make believe world
she sits and contemplates the day
wondering how she got here
who she is and
where she's going
evening air turns chill and the night sky begins to descend
she stands on the deserted beach as the moon and stars light the sky
looking ahead at the massive body in front of her, she begins to walk
she hears the waves
she smells the salt
she feels the cold water
she continues to walk, closing her eyes as the ocean becomes her bed
she has found peace
the aquarian has found freedom.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
six short months.
Was my last post really about seals? Wow, what a difference a few months can make.
So, I have had a pretty eventful few months. To avoid going into significant detail (i'm saving that for my book ) I have:
So, I have had a pretty eventful few months. To avoid going into significant detail (i'm saving that for my book ) I have:
- traveled to alexandria (happy new year!), vegas (twice, june was the best trip ever), puerto vallarta, naples, charlotte, and pittsburgh... i'm sure i'm forgetting somewhere, but you get the idea.
- bought a new car
- started grad school
- danced on a pole... then upgraded to the bar (thanks, amber ~ for encouraging that behavior)
- got tipsy at a movie theater via smuggled wine (thanks, lindsay ~ excellent idea)
- went from a blond to brunette and back again
- entered my "late-20's"
- became a god-mother
- learned about homeopathy (and decided it wasn't exactly the natural herbs I had hoped for)
- had my chakras re-aligned
- lost my mom
- brought my car in for an oil change - the first time I have ever done this by myself
- accepted a "new position" at work
- strenghtened relationships with a few friends that had "gotten away"
- and a whole bunch of other stuff that i'll leave off paper. those of you who need to know, were there to experience it with me...
So what's next? Interesting you should ask.
After all of that, I can confidently say that I am just getting started. I have learned more about myself in the past 6 months than I think I have in the last 6 years. I like some of my new found knowledge and some of it I don't. Regardless, I have worked hard this year to put myself into a position where I am bursting at the seams with opportunity. I have met some incredible people (you know who you are) that keep pushing me ~ challenging me ~ and helping me to break outta the shell that was Jill.
I told everyone - I am a restless work in progress. And I've never been more restless...
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
another dose of the om.
February 28, 2008
Freeing Up Energy, Healing What Hurts
Many of us go through our lives being aware of a well of pain that has been under our daily awareness for so long we aren’t even sure where it comes from. It almost seems as if it’s part of who we are, or the way we see the world, but it’s important to realize that this pain is something that needs to be acknowledged and processed. The longer we sit on it, the harder it is to work through, and the more likely it is that we will be forced to acknowledge it as it makes itself known to us in ways we can’t predict. Rather than waiting for this to happen, we can empower ourselves by identifying the pain and resolving to take action toward healing it.
The very thought of this brings up feelings of resistance in most of us, especially if, on the surface, our lives seem to be in order. It’s difficult to dig up the past and go into it unless we are being seriously inconvenienced by the hurt. The thing is, when we are carrying the burden of our unprocessed pain, sooner or later it will inconvenience us. If we can be brave and proactive, we can save ourselves a lot of future suffering and free up the energy that is tied up in keeping the pain down.
There are many ways to do this, but the first step is to recognize the pain and honor it by moving our awareness into it. In this process, even if it’s just five minutes during meditation, we will begin to have a sense of what the pain is made of. It might be fear of abandonment, childhood abuse, anger at being mistreated, or some other long held wound. As we sit with the pain, we will also have a sense of whether we can deal with it by ourselves or not. It may be time to work with a counselor or form a healing circle with close friends. Whatever path you choose, resolve to go deep into the pain so that you can release it fully, and set yourself free. Remember, it is never too late in life to heal what hurts, and there is never a better time than now.
Freeing Up Energy, Healing What Hurts
Many of us go through our lives being aware of a well of pain that has been under our daily awareness for so long we aren’t even sure where it comes from. It almost seems as if it’s part of who we are, or the way we see the world, but it’s important to realize that this pain is something that needs to be acknowledged and processed. The longer we sit on it, the harder it is to work through, and the more likely it is that we will be forced to acknowledge it as it makes itself known to us in ways we can’t predict. Rather than waiting for this to happen, we can empower ourselves by identifying the pain and resolving to take action toward healing it.
The very thought of this brings up feelings of resistance in most of us, especially if, on the surface, our lives seem to be in order. It’s difficult to dig up the past and go into it unless we are being seriously inconvenienced by the hurt. The thing is, when we are carrying the burden of our unprocessed pain, sooner or later it will inconvenience us. If we can be brave and proactive, we can save ourselves a lot of future suffering and free up the energy that is tied up in keeping the pain down.
There are many ways to do this, but the first step is to recognize the pain and honor it by moving our awareness into it. In this process, even if it’s just five minutes during meditation, we will begin to have a sense of what the pain is made of. It might be fear of abandonment, childhood abuse, anger at being mistreated, or some other long held wound. As we sit with the pain, we will also have a sense of whether we can deal with it by ourselves or not. It may be time to work with a counselor or form a healing circle with close friends. Whatever path you choose, resolve to go deep into the pain so that you can release it fully, and set yourself free. Remember, it is never too late in life to heal what hurts, and there is never a better time than now.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
another day. another set of lyrics.
I am obsessed with lyrics. Especially by brilliant musicians. If you aren't familiar with this song - DL it from itunes. Best .99 you will ever spend. Hell, splurge and buy the entire album. I would be SHOCKED if you didn't like it. Rock on Brandi.
Falls Apart Again (brandi carlile)
Long is the day, take it away
Hold it up and you don't let it fall
Cause devils play, was yesterday
And I don't care about that at all
I just smile, once in a while
'Cause I don't want the lines on my face
And I sit right here, holding the years
And I count all the stars in space
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else 'cause they won't understand...
Self respect, goes unexpressed
I don't dream because I cannot sleep
And I think the world of myself
But the world doesn't think much of me
As long as the day is full of time,
there will always be room for your hand in mine
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else because they won't understand
I don't want to hear you say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me
No one's home - I'm alone with my music and my tv
And I still say that yesterday is best when left to sleep
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else 'cause they won't understand
I don't want to hear you say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me...
That means nothing to me...
Falls Apart Again (brandi carlile)
Long is the day, take it away
Hold it up and you don't let it fall
Cause devils play, was yesterday
And I don't care about that at all
I just smile, once in a while
'Cause I don't want the lines on my face
And I sit right here, holding the years
And I count all the stars in space
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else 'cause they won't understand...
Self respect, goes unexpressed
I don't dream because I cannot sleep
And I think the world of myself
But the world doesn't think much of me
As long as the day is full of time,
there will always be room for your hand in mine
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else because they won't understand
I don't want to hear you say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me
No one's home - I'm alone with my music and my tv
And I still say that yesterday is best when left to sleep
You fall apart again and you can't find a friend
Don't turn to someone else 'cause they won't understand
I don't want to hear you say that you miss yesterday
If you don't like what you see
That means nothing to me...
That means nothing to me...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I hope tomorrow is like today
I am feeling especially sentimental today. Of course, I am having a super busy day at work - AND - it just happens that this is the first day in a long time that I have felt like writing. Always seems to sneak up on me at the most inopportune time. Oh well - I can take a 5 minute break from work to spill something out.
When I got into work this morning I went through my rituals - setting up my computer, getting a cup of coffee (green tea today), checking email, perez, and launching my itunes. The past few days I have been listening to club-style music. Personally, I think it's carry-over from Vegas. Today I did something I haven't done in a long time. I set my list to "random." (I have some great tunes saved that I had completely forgotten about!)
Around 11:45, Guster started to play. I forgot how much I liked their sound. The slower stuff, not the bubblegum pop. The track "I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today" came on and sent me into a wave of memories. So that we are on the same page, here are the lyrics:
Doesn't this song remind you of the beginning of a relationship - when everything is fresh - new - undamaged? Where you can't stand the thought of being away from the other person... That the simple thought of them can make a bad day amazing?
This song kinda had that effect on me today. It made me remember all of the amazing things I have going for me. Especially, the love and support of my husband. I know I can be a real pain - but at the end of the day - there is no one I would rather be with.
So Brian, not that you read this... but thank you for not "flying on," for putting up with me, and for loving me as I am.
When I got into work this morning I went through my rituals - setting up my computer, getting a cup of coffee (green tea today), checking email, perez, and launching my itunes. The past few days I have been listening to club-style music. Personally, I think it's carry-over from Vegas. Today I did something I haven't done in a long time. I set my list to "random." (I have some great tunes saved that I had completely forgotten about!)
Around 11:45, Guster started to play. I forgot how much I liked their sound. The slower stuff, not the bubblegum pop. The track "I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today" came on and sent me into a wave of memories. So that we are on the same page, here are the lyrics:
I'm awake, you're still sleeping
The sun will rise like yesterday
Everything that we are now
Is everything we can't let go
Or its gone forever, far away
I hope tomorrow is like today
Don't you go away tomorrow
I don't think I could handle that
You're probably dreaming that you're flying on
Then you start to fall
But then you rise and shine forever
Don't go away
I hope tomorrow is like today
Doesn't this song remind you of the beginning of a relationship - when everything is fresh - new - undamaged? Where you can't stand the thought of being away from the other person... That the simple thought of them can make a bad day amazing?
This song kinda had that effect on me today. It made me remember all of the amazing things I have going for me. Especially, the love and support of my husband. I know I can be a real pain - but at the end of the day - there is no one I would rather be with.
So Brian, not that you read this... but thank you for not "flying on," for putting up with me, and for loving me as I am.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
what do YOU think?
from today's daily om... sometimes these things just make so much sense.
Small Steps To Big Change Making Big Change Easier
When we decide that it's time for big changes in our lives, it is wise to ease into them by starting small. Small changes allow us to grow into a new habit and make it a permanent part of our lives, whereas sudden changes may cause a sense of failure that makes it difficult to go on, and we are more likely to revert to our old ways. Even if we have gone that route and find ourselves contemplating the choice to start over again, we can decide to take it slowly this time, and move forward.
Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves are merely indicators of the need for change and are useful in getting us moving in the right direction. But it is possible that once we try out what seemed so ideal, we may find that it doesn’t actually suit us, or make us feel the way we had hoped. By embarking on the path slowly, we have the chance to look around and consider other options as we learn and grow. We have time to examine the underlying values of the desire for change and find ways to manifest those feelings, whether it looks exactly like our initial goal or not. Taking small steps forward gives us time to adjust and find secure footing on our new path.
Life doesn't always give us the opportunity to anticipate or prepare for a big change, and we may find ourselves overwhelmed by what is in front of us. By choosing one thing to work on at a time, we focus our attention on something manageable, and eventually we will look up to see that we have accomplished quite a bit. Forcing change is, in essence, a sign that we do not trust the universe’s wisdom. Instead, we can listen to our inner guidance and make changes at a pace that is right for us, ensuring that we do so in alignment with the rhythm of the universe.
Small Steps To Big Change Making Big Change Easier
When we decide that it's time for big changes in our lives, it is wise to ease into them by starting small. Small changes allow us to grow into a new habit and make it a permanent part of our lives, whereas sudden changes may cause a sense of failure that makes it difficult to go on, and we are more likely to revert to our old ways. Even if we have gone that route and find ourselves contemplating the choice to start over again, we can decide to take it slowly this time, and move forward.
Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves are merely indicators of the need for change and are useful in getting us moving in the right direction. But it is possible that once we try out what seemed so ideal, we may find that it doesn’t actually suit us, or make us feel the way we had hoped. By embarking on the path slowly, we have the chance to look around and consider other options as we learn and grow. We have time to examine the underlying values of the desire for change and find ways to manifest those feelings, whether it looks exactly like our initial goal or not. Taking small steps forward gives us time to adjust and find secure footing on our new path.
Life doesn't always give us the opportunity to anticipate or prepare for a big change, and we may find ourselves overwhelmed by what is in front of us. By choosing one thing to work on at a time, we focus our attention on something manageable, and eventually we will look up to see that we have accomplished quite a bit. Forcing change is, in essence, a sign that we do not trust the universe’s wisdom. Instead, we can listen to our inner guidance and make changes at a pace that is right for us, ensuring that we do so in alignment with the rhythm of the universe.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Jet.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
the return to tommieland.
Last night marked the first class of my Masters career. I must admit, I was somewhat nervous. I worked from home because it was too damn cold to go outside. I tend to be a baby with things like that... but seriously. It was NEGATIVE 14 with a NEGATIVE 40 windchill! Moving on...
It was an extremely busy work day, which is somewhat rare for me. The clock struck 4:30 and I decided to trade my fleece pants and sweatshirt for a slightly nicer looking outfit. Afterall, if there is one thing I remember about St. Thomas it's - Don't show up in your pajamas. You will be shunned.
Now, class didn't start until 6, but I am always early and didn't want this to be an exception. I was SO glad that I left when I did! Traffic was horrendous! (Nice word.) It took me 40 minutes to get downtown alone! Of course, when I am nervous and driving I tend to make really stupid driving decisions. For example. instead of taking the interstate, I exited on University with the intention of cutting through the U of M. BAD idea. It was also the start of their semester (duh) and University/4th was all backed up. Super.
I finally made my way downtown and after taking two wrong turns - Found UST. This is also somewhat funny because I know downtown like the back of my hand, so for me to get lost is ridiculous. Again, moving on...
The ramp that I was banking on parking in was full. Thank you to Lindsay for calling me with a hot tip on an open lot right across the street. LOVE her. So, we parked our cars and headed into good ol'St. Thomas for my Grad School debut.
After a quick stop in the cafeteria, I made my way to Room 442 (aka "Fox Room") I pulled out my pretty new five star and waited for class to begin. There were 10 people in my class - All women. The professor "taught" us the full 3 hours which rumor has it - is unheard of for the first night. Lucky me, right?! The clock struck 9 and she revealed our homework assignments for next week. Is it bizarre that I am excited to have homework?
All in all, last night was a success. Better yet, I am looking forward to next week!
It was an extremely busy work day, which is somewhat rare for me. The clock struck 4:30 and I decided to trade my fleece pants and sweatshirt for a slightly nicer looking outfit. Afterall, if there is one thing I remember about St. Thomas it's - Don't show up in your pajamas. You will be shunned.
Now, class didn't start until 6, but I am always early and didn't want this to be an exception. I was SO glad that I left when I did! Traffic was horrendous! (Nice word.) It took me 40 minutes to get downtown alone! Of course, when I am nervous and driving I tend to make really stupid driving decisions. For example. instead of taking the interstate, I exited on University with the intention of cutting through the U of M. BAD idea. It was also the start of their semester (duh) and University/4th was all backed up. Super.
I finally made my way downtown and after taking two wrong turns - Found UST. This is also somewhat funny because I know downtown like the back of my hand, so for me to get lost is ridiculous. Again, moving on...
The ramp that I was banking on parking in was full. Thank you to Lindsay for calling me with a hot tip on an open lot right across the street. LOVE her. So, we parked our cars and headed into good ol'St. Thomas for my Grad School debut.
After a quick stop in the cafeteria, I made my way to Room 442 (aka "Fox Room") I pulled out my pretty new five star and waited for class to begin. There were 10 people in my class - All women. The professor "taught" us the full 3 hours which rumor has it - is unheard of for the first night. Lucky me, right?! The clock struck 9 and she revealed our homework assignments for next week. Is it bizarre that I am excited to have homework?
All in all, last night was a success. Better yet, I am looking forward to next week!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
things you didn't know about me. or maybe you did.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Dad's cousin, Jill Anthone.
2. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A day or two ago. Growing up is tough, man!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Probably turkey or chicken, I don't eat much of it tho.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not yet - But I have 2 plants that I am very fond of - Fern and Spike
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I suppose so... What kinda of question is that?!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Absolutely
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope - We parted ways when I was 22. OUCH!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP ? Not likely. I HATE heights!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kashi anything
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Most of my shoes don't have laces? And no, no velcro either.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with chocolate.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes and mouth to determine whether or not they are happy.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? How hard I am on myself
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandpa
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Brownish and Red/Burgundy
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Sweet peppers and hummus
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My assistant typing
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Random Red or Bold Blue
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? The ocean, fresh baked cookies, Yankee Candle Co. Pomegranate Candle
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Boss Lady
25.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, Hockey
27. HAIR COLOR? Brownish
28. EYE COLOR? Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yup
28. FAVORITE FOOD? I love food - so that is tough. Artichokes or Cheese Fondue (indulgences for me.!)
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 27 Dresses (very cute)
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweater - It's freakin cold here!
32. WINTER OR SUMMER? Summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends who I'm huggin... kissin...
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Frozen Yogurt or Chocolate-anything
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Molly (I was right, btw)
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Brian
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Pillars of the Earth (and next week, my school books!)
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Brian and I underwater in Bora Bora (thanks, Dawn!)
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? American Idol, The Holiday (DVD)
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Ocean waves or thunderstorm
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles!
44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? South Pacific
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Probably... 46.. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Paul, Minnesota
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone's
2. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A day or two ago. Growing up is tough, man!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Probably turkey or chicken, I don't eat much of it tho.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not yet - But I have 2 plants that I am very fond of - Fern and Spike
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I suppose so... What kinda of question is that?!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Absolutely
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope - We parted ways when I was 22. OUCH!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP ? Not likely. I HATE heights!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kashi anything
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Most of my shoes don't have laces? And no, no velcro either.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything with chocolate.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes and mouth to determine whether or not they are happy.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? How hard I am on myself
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandpa
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Brownish and Red/Burgundy
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Sweet peppers and hummus
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My assistant typing
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Random Red or Bold Blue
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? The ocean, fresh baked cookies, Yankee Candle Co. Pomegranate Candle
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Boss Lady
25.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, Hockey
27. HAIR COLOR? Brownish
28. EYE COLOR? Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yup
28. FAVORITE FOOD? I love food - so that is tough. Artichokes or Cheese Fondue (indulgences for me.!)
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 27 Dresses (very cute)
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweater - It's freakin cold here!
32. WINTER OR SUMMER? Summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends who I'm huggin... kissin...
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Frozen Yogurt or Chocolate-anything
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Molly (I was right, btw)
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Brian
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Pillars of the Earth (and next week, my school books!)
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Brian and I underwater in Bora Bora (thanks, Dawn!)
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? American Idol, The Holiday (DVD)
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Ocean waves or thunderstorm
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles!
44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? South Pacific
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Probably... 46.. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Paul, Minnesota
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone's
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
my hell is cold.
most people think of HELL as a burning inferno. Somewhere hot. full of boiling lava. steam. smoke.
My HELL is cold. Filled with ice. freezing windchills. subzero weather. Kinda a lot like Minnesota in the winter.
BBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... but no worries... It's going to 'heat up' to 26 this weekend! Balmy.
My HELL is cold. Filled with ice. freezing windchills. subzero weather. Kinda a lot like Minnesota in the winter.
BBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... but no worries... It's going to 'heat up' to 26 this weekend! Balmy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the call.
so a part of this whole cancer-regular-trip-to-the-mayo thing is the phone call that comes after they meet with the doctor. let me back up and set the stage:
about 10 minutes prior to the scheduled appointment time my stomach starts to flip. then the racing heart begins. as the minutes pass and appointment time has come (in this case, 4pm) a fuzzy cloudy feeling sets into my head and i can no longer think straight - or concentrate. i usually spend the next hour - or the duration of the appointment - passing time surfing the Internet or refreshing my hotmail account. an hour passes and i know the phone call will follow within minutes.
the phone rings. i have become so accustomed to bad news, that i now let it roll directly to voicemail. this is my way of letting verizon take the initial blow. i watch my phone. first, missed call. second, new voicemail. i take a deep breath and press/hold "1." i enter my password and let it happen...
today's news was... the doctors don't know what is wrong with her, but it's clearly something. "they" - the people we have grown to trust in some deranged way for the last 5 years - inform us that they want to consult with another doctor and see if they can get some insight. believe it or not - this is good news. at least the tumors have not grown.
the next step in the "process" is for me to call them back. i take another deep breath, trying to suppress the devastated and defeated feelings as i hit the "talk" key. mom answers the phone and puts on her game face. that's what we fischers do... everything is a game face. she repeats the message that was left on my phone and we say - good to hear. good job. have a good night.
i hang up my cell phone and start to cry. this continues for another hour or so - i don't think i am sad anymore. i have exhausted that emotion. now i am simply numb. i have been on this roller coaster for 5 years and it is draining. there is not a single hour that passes where i don't think about it. this is even true in my sleep.
but that isn't all. tonight included extra credit. my sister called me to provide some additional insight into the "journey." mom is worried about me. dad thinks things are getting much worse. first, why don't they ask me how i am? direct communicate is not a strong virtue of any fischer other than myself - and i tend to overcompensate. ask brian. second, if my dad acknowledges that something is wrong - something is majorly wrong. the truth is, they don't ask because they don't want to know that things are not perfect. it is easier to turn the other cheek then to face what we are really going through. did i mention kristin has MS and is completely exhausted this week - she needs some emotional support too.
so, another appointment passes. but don't worry - this process happens each month. countdown begins to the next one...
about 10 minutes prior to the scheduled appointment time my stomach starts to flip. then the racing heart begins. as the minutes pass and appointment time has come (in this case, 4pm) a fuzzy cloudy feeling sets into my head and i can no longer think straight - or concentrate. i usually spend the next hour - or the duration of the appointment - passing time surfing the Internet or refreshing my hotmail account. an hour passes and i know the phone call will follow within minutes.
the phone rings. i have become so accustomed to bad news, that i now let it roll directly to voicemail. this is my way of letting verizon take the initial blow. i watch my phone. first, missed call. second, new voicemail. i take a deep breath and press/hold "1." i enter my password and let it happen...
today's news was... the doctors don't know what is wrong with her, but it's clearly something. "they" - the people we have grown to trust in some deranged way for the last 5 years - inform us that they want to consult with another doctor and see if they can get some insight. believe it or not - this is good news. at least the tumors have not grown.
the next step in the "process" is for me to call them back. i take another deep breath, trying to suppress the devastated and defeated feelings as i hit the "talk" key. mom answers the phone and puts on her game face. that's what we fischers do... everything is a game face. she repeats the message that was left on my phone and we say - good to hear. good job. have a good night.
i hang up my cell phone and start to cry. this continues for another hour or so - i don't think i am sad anymore. i have exhausted that emotion. now i am simply numb. i have been on this roller coaster for 5 years and it is draining. there is not a single hour that passes where i don't think about it. this is even true in my sleep.
but that isn't all. tonight included extra credit. my sister called me to provide some additional insight into the "journey." mom is worried about me. dad thinks things are getting much worse. first, why don't they ask me how i am? direct communicate is not a strong virtue of any fischer other than myself - and i tend to overcompensate. ask brian. second, if my dad acknowledges that something is wrong - something is majorly wrong. the truth is, they don't ask because they don't want to know that things are not perfect. it is easier to turn the other cheek then to face what we are really going through. did i mention kristin has MS and is completely exhausted this week - she needs some emotional support too.
so, another appointment passes. but don't worry - this process happens each month. countdown begins to the next one...
dark and twisty.
I'm not feeling particularly funny today. Rather, I am actually quite dark and twisty. That expression was used once by Meredith on Grey's Anatomy. It is such an encompasing expression as to how I feel many days. Dark and twisty.
So what's behind the dark persona du jour?
So what's behind the dark persona du jour?
- Mom is en route to Mayo to learn the latest on her cancer.
- Dad has shingles - Who gets that anymore?!
- I know of 3 people who have died or are critically ill.
- I am bored at work.
- My back still aches from Tiger Woods '08.
- It's cold and dreary here.
I could probably come up with a longer list - but I don't think I want to expound the energy in doing so. This does however go down as one of the lamer posts I have ever written. Happy Thursday.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
It's All Happening...
Last night marked the beginning of what is going to be a long and expensive endeavor. I left work around 4:15pm to make my way over to St. Thomas for orientation into my Masters program. I was proud of my journey there. I promptly made it to 11th and Harmon without getting stuck in the one-way/light rail traps of Minneapolis. Pulling into the ramp, there was a parking spot waiting for me right by the skyway entrance. I was on a roll! I noticed a lady with a backpack getting out of the car next to me and took that as a sign to hightail it out of MY car so that I could discretely follow her through the skyway to the building orientation was being held at. Oh, the tricks we learn as we get older.
"We" successfully made it to Terrance Murphy Hall. I had about 30 minutes before I needed to be in the meeting room, so I stopped at the bookstore to checkout the textbooks for my first graduate course - Business Writing. Two small, paperback books. Not intimidating at all! I brought them up to the counter and handed them to the worker bee so I could pay for them. She rang them up and said, "$68.11." What?! Excuse me?! One of my books was $49! It's a paperback! It's a thin little book! Then I remembered... the life of an academic!
With 15 minutes left until orientation began, I parked it on a bench and started reading one of my books. FASCINATING stuff in there - how to write effectively, analyze your audience, communicate clearly... As I hit page 5 I had a revelation... A moment of CLARITY if you will. I was FINALLY headed in a DIRECTION with my LIFE! I got so excited! Realizing, my tune may change a bit once the class actually begins and I am drowing in reading, papers and exams... I packed up my books and headed upstairs to Room 203.
Walking into that meeting room was (as cliche as it sounds) like going home. There is something about St. Thomas that is so comfortable. Perhaps it was the "growing up" that happened there during my undergrad program. As much fun as we have teasing the reputations of our alma mater, I found myself proud to once again be a "Tommie."
The next two hours flew by. After a light supper, several members of faculty and administration spoke to us, giving us a heads-up of what was in store. Some people looked a little concerned. Perhaps I did as well - but that was not what I was feeling inside. For the first time in a long time, I was so excited! I knew that I had made the right decision.
So... January 30, 2008 I will officially begin my Masters program at St. Thomas. I won't declare an end date... baby steps...
"We" successfully made it to Terrance Murphy Hall. I had about 30 minutes before I needed to be in the meeting room, so I stopped at the bookstore to checkout the textbooks for my first graduate course - Business Writing. Two small, paperback books. Not intimidating at all! I brought them up to the counter and handed them to the worker bee so I could pay for them. She rang them up and said, "$68.11." What?! Excuse me?! One of my books was $49! It's a paperback! It's a thin little book! Then I remembered... the life of an academic!
With 15 minutes left until orientation began, I parked it on a bench and started reading one of my books. FASCINATING stuff in there - how to write effectively, analyze your audience, communicate clearly... As I hit page 5 I had a revelation... A moment of CLARITY if you will. I was FINALLY headed in a DIRECTION with my LIFE! I got so excited! Realizing, my tune may change a bit once the class actually begins and I am drowing in reading, papers and exams... I packed up my books and headed upstairs to Room 203.
Walking into that meeting room was (as cliche as it sounds) like going home. There is something about St. Thomas that is so comfortable. Perhaps it was the "growing up" that happened there during my undergrad program. As much fun as we have teasing the reputations of our alma mater, I found myself proud to once again be a "Tommie."
The next two hours flew by. After a light supper, several members of faculty and administration spoke to us, giving us a heads-up of what was in store. Some people looked a little concerned. Perhaps I did as well - but that was not what I was feeling inside. For the first time in a long time, I was so excited! I knew that I had made the right decision.
So... January 30, 2008 I will officially begin my Masters program at St. Thomas. I won't declare an end date... baby steps...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Jill's Favorite Things
It's like an Oprah episode...
* The beach/ocean/sand
* Traveling to new cities
* Grey Goose Martinis, Straight-up/Very dirty
* Hot showers
* Chick flicks
* Us Weekly
* My ipod/itunes
* Naps
* Stemless wine glasses
* Space heaters
* New socks
* Email
* Rain storms
* Barnes and Noble
* Green tea
* Soccer
* Olives
* My blue blanket
* Hot stone massages
* Sun tans
* Lifetime Movies
* The feeling you have after a long workout
Stay tuned for part 2....
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Dealing with the cards that we are dealt.
I have spend significant time and resources on self help books (most that end up on the bookshelf before the information seeps into my brain,) therapy, retail therapy, coffee, alcohol, you name it - in an attempt to find clarity - Direction. Understanding that it is fairly common for someone in their mid-20's to be confused with the direction there life has been... Where it is... and Where it is going. Some call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." I call it a classic inability to deal with the cards I have been dealt.
Let's go back to Junior year of my undergrad. The first semester was great. I had settled into a new apartment with a good friend - We were living the American dream. A fairly healthy combination of studies and parties. Then winter rolls around and I am faced with a situation I never in a million years thought would enter my "perfect" little family. Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, in this "day and age" I have yet to meet someone whose life has NOT been affected by cancer in one way or another. So I suppose in that regard, my story is no different. The difference comes (perhaps) that I am nearly 5 years into this hellish battle and am only for the first time really addressing the side effects it has had on me and my personal development.
I do not intend on this entire blog to be directed towards my "sad story dealing with my mom's disease." It is important for me to note however, as it has shaped me and up until about a month ago - directed every decision, action, thought, lifestyle choice etc. that I have made over the past 5 years. I finally have come to the realization that I made my mom's disease my life.
Having made this revelation leaves me in a fascinating place. I do not regret the hard partying nights - frequent "weekend trips" to get away from my life for a "little while " - change in relationships (romantic and otherwise) - change in jobs - etc. I DO resent that I am nearing 27 and have no idea who I am unless I identify it with my mom's disease.
The point of this post is to let you know that there is a reason why I am the way I am. For better or worse, this is who I have evolved into. I want to make 2008 a better year. One that allows me to break free from my old patterns of thought and moves me into a new direction. Please bare with some of these posts. They may seem vague. Make no sense to you but they are all important to me. This is the most open you will ever find me so watch out. I don't exactly know what that means - but I have a feeling it means something big.
Let's go back to Junior year of my undergrad. The first semester was great. I had settled into a new apartment with a good friend - We were living the American dream. A fairly healthy combination of studies and parties. Then winter rolls around and I am faced with a situation I never in a million years thought would enter my "perfect" little family. Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, in this "day and age" I have yet to meet someone whose life has NOT been affected by cancer in one way or another. So I suppose in that regard, my story is no different. The difference comes (perhaps) that I am nearly 5 years into this hellish battle and am only for the first time really addressing the side effects it has had on me and my personal development.
I do not intend on this entire blog to be directed towards my "sad story dealing with my mom's disease." It is important for me to note however, as it has shaped me and up until about a month ago - directed every decision, action, thought, lifestyle choice etc. that I have made over the past 5 years. I finally have come to the realization that I made my mom's disease my life.
Having made this revelation leaves me in a fascinating place. I do not regret the hard partying nights - frequent "weekend trips" to get away from my life for a "little while " - change in relationships (romantic and otherwise) - change in jobs - etc. I DO resent that I am nearing 27 and have no idea who I am unless I identify it with my mom's disease.
The point of this post is to let you know that there is a reason why I am the way I am. For better or worse, this is who I have evolved into. I want to make 2008 a better year. One that allows me to break free from my old patterns of thought and moves me into a new direction. Please bare with some of these posts. They may seem vague. Make no sense to you but they are all important to me. This is the most open you will ever find me so watch out. I don't exactly know what that means - but I have a feeling it means something big.
thank you, molly...
for introducing me to blogger. i now have someone, ahem... someTHING that has to listen to me no matter what. this is brilliant.
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